It’s not just just your twig and berries that likes to get off, it’s your brain too -the largest sex organ in the body that’s totally content having you waste time thinking about doing something instead of actually doing it. In many ways the brain is the bodies third testicle, and it has every bit of desire of emptying it’s load as it’s pals between the legs.

What is Mental Masturbation?

A very scientific explanation of mental masturbation.

If you are talking about a thing you want to do instead of doing it then there’s a strong possibility you are engaging in mental masturbation. An example is talking about a goal you’ve only ever talked about doing and never actually doing it. That’s pretty close to mental masturbation, but to fully classify it there needs to be one additional element that we’ll get to later.

First, let’s think of that dude you know that constantly talks about how he’s going to do something, all the ways he’ll do it, how great it will be and how awesome things will be after he does it… but never actually does it. This is the dude you wanna roll your eyes at because you know he’s all talk. You can see the pleasure he gets talking about it. To him it feels constructive, to you it looks like he’s mentally ejaculating all over the place.

While it’s healthy to talk to people and share aspirations, it’s not healthy to live in denial or be a fulltime resident of lala-land.  Sure, it feels good to escape the hard world into our thoughts for a moment, but it’s definitely not constructive when we take unplanned trips whenever we feel like it.

An extremely scientific explanation of constructive thinking.

Constructive action provides feedback that helps you improve your ideas. You plan something, do it, learn from it, adjust. Mental masturbation instead revolves in a closed loop. You plan something, talk about it, feel a sense of accomplishment, and then repeat it whenever you want to feel good. It’s a loop that keeps you from taking action and evolving.

We engage in mental masturbation for a number of reasons. For one, it’s fun to talk and think about things we want to do. It’s less fun actually doing them. In the most deceptive way our brain actually believes we are being productive when we imagine doing things versus actually doing them. It’s also more enjoyable for us to engage in deep thought on ideas that make us feel good than take action on new and uncertain ones. It’s somewhat of a protective mechanism from keeping us from feeling like an idiot if we do the thing and fail.

The Outcome of Mental Masturbation

The outcome of mental masturbation is pleasure, so we can define mental masturbation as pleasure-seeking thinking used to avoid taking constructive action. 

Do you masturbate when you are stressed out? Use it to procrastinate? Probably. When you masturbate you may feel better but your problems are still there. Frequent mental masturbation does to goals what excessive masturbation does to solving problems.

So what’s the secret to stopping? It’s really no different than beating procrastination. It’s about asking hard questions and being honest with yourself. If it’s a goal you want to do then it’s about knowing how much time you have to dedicate to it, and what it will take to do it.

Hit it, Then Quit it

You gotta know thyself to control thyself… but if you frequently engage in mental masturbation you probably don’t know yourself well enough to control yourself. Your brain’s had too much fun being a testicle to be useful.

A good way to stop your brain from being a testicle and start getting to know yourself is to write in a journal. Journals are effective tools for self-monitoring. They help you spot patterns in thinking that can help you see the big picture as to why you do the things you do. Get in the habit of mentally ejaculating into your journal and then moving on. Get good at doing this quickly so you can get back to what you really need to do. The idea is to get your mental ejaculate onto paper and out of that oversized testicle known as your brain so you can stop blowing its load everywhere you go.  Then, when the dust has settled and you’ve done the important/hard stuff, use those fresh eyeballs to determine if what you ejaculated has any value.

Beware The Spank Bank

We live in a debit and credit society centered around withdrawals and deposits. When you spank it the only place you are depositing is the spank bank. Some spank banks are overflowing, others are as dry as Mars. The spank bank is entirely virtual and has little value in the real world. The larger the spank bank the smaller your life bank will be. A deposit into the spank bank is one less deposit you can make in the life bank. You don’t want your spank bank larger than your life bank, because that means like a crazy person the majority of your accomplishments exist solely in your head.

But at the same time you don’t want to have a spank bank balance of zero, because that means your are about as fun as a dictator… and the world doesn’t need more of those.

Types of Mental Masturbation

There are many types, but probably the most popular are nostalgia and speculation. Diving into the past or future can be nice every now and then, but doing so all the time to escape today’s reality or to keep us from preparing for tomorrow’s isn’t constructive.

We witnessed this when the entire world collectively joined hands in mental masturbation, ejaculating all over social media to nostalgia and speculation during quarantine. Our brains are still masturbating to them and probably will continue as long as the crisis does.

Mental Masturbation Thrives When Self-Control Doesn’t

We’ve talked about journaling being a tool for self-monitoring ourselves. Self-monitoring is important because it enables us to better control our actions. There aren’t many problems in life that can’t be solved by self-control, but modern man has been lost this ability because the world today encourages compulsive behavior and immediate gratification. It’s a lifestyle full of false beliefs that destroy sex lives, and keeps us away from powerful tools like nature and sex transmutation that help us create lasting change in our lives by teaching us the lost art of self-control.

Don’t let that massive testicle in your skull hold you back from accomplishing great works. Self-monitor every day, be honest with yourself and keep that spank bank balanced.